She smiles,

It’s bright,

In darkness,

She’s light,

Strong personality,

Will fight,

Love her forver?

Damn right.

Lucy ran up to me the other day – asking me to open a toy we recently purchased. It was the type of toy that had 18 unnecessary zip and twisty-ties securing it to the cardboard package. Admittedly, I became frustrated trying to open the package – and Lucy, as she witnessed me struggling and eager to hug her Baby Alive doll, said: “of course you can do this. You’re my Dad!” Lucy made this statement with such certainty, and like many other statements my kids make, it compelled me to reflect on how important the role of a father is to our sons/daughters.

I immediately thought about how profound her statement was for me. It gave me a sense of pride – and reminded me that as a parent, I am such a large part of her universe. Her Mother, siblings and I have so much influence on her in different ways – and this beautiful life-form who depends on me to nourish, protect, educate and entertain her literally thinks I am a superhero. “You’re my Dad!” This statement has played on repeat in my mind, and were the exact words I needed to hear to adjust my mindset, as the general demands of trying to be an effective parent AND professional caught up to me in a major way earlier this year. For the first time in nearly 20-years, I hit an emotional wall/roadblock. I won’t get into the boring details – but I will express that, above all else, when I have been at my lowest, one or all of my kids will say or do something that reminds me of my purpose and gives me the strength to endure. This is combined with a partner who is the most amazing and supportive person I have ever met. I never knew I could love someone so much who I don’t share the same blood with. It’s a special feeling.

Lucy’s statement reminds me it’s not about me all of the time. When I feel frustrated – that is the time to engage more with family, not become distant and silent. It reminds me that a superhero can do anything – and since my daughters and son believe I am super-human, I will try my hardest to prove them right. And, if you’re a parent – never forget, that you’re a superhero to your children/child, too. Act accordingly.

I was staring at my glowing rectangle frolicking through the nonsensical groups and individuals on the media-social who starve for attention. Millions of people cooking the same meals, orchestrating the same pranks, regurgitating the same political ideology, etc., – it’s an utter distraction from the most important aspects of my life. I know this – yet get consumed by the antics and opinions of others – just one of the masses laying sedentary on some cushion staring at my glowing rectangle, oblivious to my surroundings. Personally, I yearn for the days when technology was more basic.

Now, as I parent, I remind myself daily – when I am 4-reels deep on Facebook watching one of the millions of basketball players slam dunk a ball and post it – or, another person filming a “Karen” upset at a grocery store – “I was never supposed to see this nonsense, and my family’s life in no way benefits from this content – or 98% of the content on the media-social.” I remind myself – it’s about my family, my kids – and I need to put the glowing rectangle down to become 100% present in my household 100% of the time.

I heard a rumor that flip-phones are making a comeback. I am ready to transition to the flip-phone, as I truly see zero added value personally from having internet access always, everywhere – no matter what. I learned, for me, I just need a phone to make calls and send text messages – everything else is a distraction.

Endless political views,

Democrats and Republicans on the news,

Many citizens angry,

By the two-party psychological abuse.

Since the COVID-19 pandemic (Jan. 2021) – my viewpoint on a variety of issues evolved, and I am far less likely to allow an individual/politician or news entity to influence my thought process or compel me to adopt or adhere to a particular ideology. The political elite, in conjunction with the mass media want the population to be divided for reasons I don’t quite understand – though I am sure money/power are part of it. They grasp onto issues like abortion and gun control to manipulate you and I into voting on emotion and anger – as opposed to what is actually best for the whole community. For example, I agree there should be a right to choose for a woman – but the discussion isn’t as simple as choice or no choice – and that’s where it all falls apart by design, even before any community discussion occurs. They want to draw a line in the sand to retain power – as opposed to removing that line and compelling those who disagree to share ideas.

One side says “you kill babies” and the other says “you don’t respect women’s healthcare rights.” But that’s how we’ve been conditioned to communicate under the two-party system – to focus on polarizing topics as opposed to finding middle ground. I decided to stop communicating like this – and whether the topic is abortion or criminal justice reform or climate change – the talking heads on either side are there to tell you and I who we should agree or disagree with. It’s all black and white now – you’re in or you’re out. Or at least that’s how they want us to treat each-other – and I am done with that nonsense.

I decided to stop assessing people based on their political views, which for many, are just broad ideas and opinions fueled by narratives without any true detail. Instead, I get to know someone aside from politics – and assess an individual based on their personal and family values. I am admittedly more conservative now than 20-years ago – but I didn’t stop interacting with my friends who have a liberal mindset. Sure, they want to lecture me about climate change at times or gun control, which can be annoying. But, I am willing to engage in a discussion or friendly debate knowing that my friends hard work ethic, ability to be a great parent, passion for their family/community and faith (or not) mean more to me than a political opinion. When I talk to my existing friends or meet new people – I stopped talking about politics/the weather and decided to talk more about family, hobbies, faith and fun.

She asked me, “do you mind if I get a shower?” 

I stopped – then thought for a moment.  I thought very hard, and from a perspective not my own. 

Why would she ask me permission to do something I do every-day, without question?  I never once thought to ask her permission to get a shower – to clean my body.  To me, this was a red flag – and it was me, not her, that I was worried about throwing up flags.

I said, in the most pleasant way possible: “Please don’t ever ask me that question again.  Ever. Next time, TELL me you’re getting a shower, then just do it and don’t think twice about it. Promise me that.” 

So, she did – and now that is what she does. 

It’s a relief – she no longer feels compelled to ask me for permission to feel refreshed.  She no longer thinks I am somehow burdened by her taking 10-to-15 minutes (or longer) to get some peace and quiet.  With three kids running around – and both of us working full-time, those moments, whenever we can take them, matter.  Those moments when we can OFFER them to our partner matter – sometimes they matter the most.  Anyone who has been in a relationship or married for 5 + years might know what I mean – especially if you’re in a successful partnership.  OR, if you’ve had some more challenging relationships in the past – you probably also know what I mean. 

Those moments matter from a physical and mental health standpoint – and it’s on both parties involved in a relationship to ensure the other gets those moments, as many as possible.  Not only offer those moments – but be clear those moments can be taken whenever needed.

As I reflected on the aforementioned question that caught me by surprise – it occurred to me, in some way, I am giving off the impression that her taking time is somehow a burden to me.  That maybe watching the kids interrupted something – or that it was her obligation to always be there for everything the kids (or me) needed.  The question hurt me to the core – because she means the world to me. I love her so much, and my role in this partnership is to make her feel loved, supported, appreciated, and free.  Life and relationships, to me, are a constant evolution – keep evolving/learning with the ups and downs and everything will be ok.

My mind has changed during the last two-years – trudging through the perceived pandemic in California – as most people continue to double-mask, despite being vaccinated/boosted.  It has broken my heart seeing how grown adults, supposed “leaders”, completely screw kids over by locking them out of schools – and forcing them to cover their faces.  And now, instead of being brave and telling children “it’s ok, it can be like before again,” they continue to peddle fear – and put pressure on kids.  My daughter is one of the only unmasked kids at school – and I envy her bravery. 

I decided to get her vaccinated and “follow the science,” but it didn’t make a difference for her, or the other children who “followed the science.”  They continued to force face-coverings – and teachers promoted fear in front of students…a population with the lowest risk. 

Adults did this because of their own irrational fears – and it’s pathetic.  I am downright appalled by what has happened in California.  I struggle living in a state that is willing to prevent children from attending school – while forcing them to cover their beautiful faces to appease the fear of irrational adults.  My daughter told me “Dad, my friends wear the mask because they don’t like their face.” Lots of kids hide behind their face coverings for many reasons – none are for fear of COVID.  This continues to be normalized by schools and the public education system generally, covering faces, and it is causing long-term harm to children.  The already anti-social kids find sanctuary behind the mask – and the kids who have acne or didn’t get braces yet (another reason my daughter told me) do too. 

We have set so many kids back who desperately needed social interaction – and to see the faces of other children – their peers.  They need to see faces of adults who are supposed to lead and protect them.  Instead, they push kids farther into their shells – and are even bringing topics adults can’t talk about productively into classrooms.

I wonder at what point do full grown adults show courage – and stand in front of children and say: “we were wrong!”  Shutting down schools resulted in unnecessary learning loss and delayed the social development of millions of children across our country.  Millions of kids missed graduation, prom, senior year of sports, band concerts, senior week, field trips, etc. 

“We were wrong!”  Shutting down sports/extracurricular activities exacerbated the aforementioned issue – and also resulted in kids getting fatter during a pandemic with a virus that attacks obese people, and some became Vitamin D deficient (another big issue linked to severe COVID).  What kids were forced to do was 100% counter-productive, in hindsight. 

“We were wrong!”  Masks stunted the language development of the youngest and most vulnerable – while impacting the mental health of all children.  We have a generation of children who have yet to see their teachers face, and most of their peers faces – and for many young children, this is all they know.  Masks, in the end, did little to stop transmission of the virus – it’s only purpose was mitigating the fear of irrational and boosted adults. The worst side effect?  Adults completely fucked over kids – and in the Bay Area, they are still more than happy to move forward with arbitrary, ineffective and fear-based policies. 

Our nations youth are owed a giant apology – yet all I hear is silence.

“Embrace the discomfort of progress.”

I think of this notion often – especially thinking back to when I was an active alcoholic, drinking 8-10 beers and a bottle of wine per day.  My body was accustomed to the abuse – and each day around 10am, I would start sweating with feelings of anxiety – and the only relief was the bottle. 

You see, I was so consumed by my addiction – that I thought alcohol was helping my anxiety and other health conditions, as opposed to creating the problems.  I ran to the one thing that was destroying my life – while running away from those who knew I needed help and loved me.  In hindsight, I feel so guilty for not seeing the issues I was causing for those I loved.  If there is one silver-lining, my oldest daughter, Lila, was too young to remember the smell of cheap liquor on my breath – and the stench of incompetence and despair when I took her to the park drunk at 2pm on a Tuesday.

I felt beaten down, and tired.  I looked at my then 5-year-old daughter and committed to breaking the cycle of addiction that burdens my family.  My Uncle Johnny and Aunt Mary-Ann both died of heroin overdoses at a young age – and both of my sisters have struggled with heroin and prescription pills.  Both are still deep into their addictions – but my older sister is especially in bad shape, and I just don’t know how much longer she will live.  It breaks my heart that her two sons must live without their mother – and try to cope with the fact she has chosen drugs and dangerous men over being in their lives.  She just missed her oldest son’s high-school graduation, and as I write this entry, I cry for that young man who is achieving so many goals despite the lack of parental guidance.

With alcohol, I had the perception that I could “function” or since it’s a legal substance, it’s “no big deal.”  That can’t be farther from the truth.  Alcohol impacted my brain to the extent, 7-years later, it’s still healing, I believe.  The scariest side effect of chronic alcohol consumption was I lost my ability to feel emotions, outside of the love I felt for my child.  When she was away with her mother, I was useless.  I was hopeless, and I was sad.  I didn’t care much for myself at that point – but the love for Lila kept me going to work, hiding my addiction and somehow holding things together just enough to finally make the right decision. 

Now, seven years after quitting – I am certainly in a much clearer space, with a lot more energy, and thank God I can feel emotions at a high level again.  I cry during almost every Disney movie – and when I hug my family, it feels so warm.

I decided to embrace the discomfort of progress.  It’s easy to get drunk every-day – or eat like crap and be on the fast track to Diabetes/Hypertension.  It’s easy to roll-up doobies and puff-puff pass with the dudes, instead of getting up early for work, then hitting the gym.  Nothing, and I mean NOTHING that is amazing will be easy.  Nothing worthwhile happens when your mind and body is not in motion.  Progress comes through adversity – and adversity comes when you get out of your comfort zone.

If I kept drinking, and COVID hit – I am fairly certain I would be dead, or the equivalent.  But today, I will pick up my oldest from middle-school, then come home to my partner and baby-girl to give them big hugs.  Massive embraces!  Then, off to basketball practice – then home again to cook dinner and have fun with the family.  A bottle of cold beer sounds good – and I think of it often – but nothing feels better than knowing you have big responsibilities, and nothing builds more confidence than knowing you can uphold those obligations.  It’s priceless!

Everyone in the household caught COVID – and we assume it was the Omicron variant, as the symptoms were very mild.  In fact, Lucy, our two-year-old – we wouldn’t have known but for the fact her daycare required her to take a COVID test a few weeks back, which ended up being positive.  Lucy has had Roseola and RSV before – and both were much more severe, in terms of symptoms.  With COVID, she had a runny nose and a slight cough.  She couldn’t go back to school for 10-days or so, despite the fact she and her classmates have an extremely low risk, all the teachers are vaccinated and the daycare rarely shutdown during the more severe Alpha and Delta waves.  Nothing makes sense anymore – and I am struggling to move forward in this non-sensical world, especially here in the Bay Area.  I believe the Health Officer, Sara Cody, is the antichrist who hates children, so wants them to arbitrarily cover their faces forever. 

Fuck her, and fuck any other “Health Officer” who thinks “masks are benign,” as young children are experiencing speech development delays, and older kids suffer from a mental health crisis, along with soaring drug overdose deaths that far outpace COVID deaths in younger demographics.  These Health Officers, who are just scared adults, have been scapegoating kids as “super spreaders” this whole time, and our kids have suffered enough at this point.  So much fear mongering around kids has happened – that both parents and teachers have become scared of them, which is very sad.   My oldest daughter always wants to wear a mask now – and is scared to be on her school campus without one on her beautiful face, because she will get in trouble.  It breaks my heart to see that – and for me to see grown adults, cowards – force my child to do something that makes zero sense.  She even got vaccinated for things to be “normal” again – but nothing has changed.  No normalcy has been reimplemented in San Jose – and the leadership should be ashamed.

My patience has worn thin, and the recent experience I just described – after all of us had COVID, left me asking “is this what we’ve been locked down for this whole time?”  Literally, I had the flu in 2014 and that shit was no joke with a 104 temperature as I felt like I was freezing cold for three-days, along with a cough that hurts my chest even thinking about now.  It was like Freddy Kreuger raking my lungs with his hand-knives each time I coughed. 

Now, I am not trying to minimize the severity of COVID for those who experienced severe symptoms or even the worst outcomes – but this whole “let’s protect the 1% of vulnerable by fucking over the 99%+ who have a very low risk” just isn’t working anymore.  We now know that COVID is a disease that primarily impacts the elderly and those with preexisting conditions – particularly asthma, obesity and diabetes.  We can make a much more positive impact, specific to health outcomes, if we stop promoting masks, and start promoting chronic disease self-management and a healthy lifestyle.  Lowering your LDL cholesterol and A1C are the “actually effective” masks – not some cloth face covering from Target.  Really?

I need the “leaders” in San Jose to stop advocating for fear-based public health policy, like masking babies and children – along with arbitrary and wide-spread testing of asymptomatic, vaccinated and low-risk groups, like kids and generally healthy young adults.  The testing programs don’t “keep things open” they actually cause fear and lead to shut-downs of important institutions, like schools, which are still being locked down because of scared and vaccinated/boosted teacher unions.  Isn’t that some shit?

The people still most afraid are the most vaccinated and boosted among us.  What do they really need?  Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome therapy.  If you’re still double-masking in the car by yourself, and you’re boosted up?  Get some therapy.  If you’re yelling at people in elevators for not wearing a mask, and you’re boosted up?  Get some therapy.  If you’re mad at your coworker for taking their mask down to get a sip of coffee during some useless meeting, and you’re boosted up?  Get some therapy.  If you think babies should cover their face and get a vaccine they don’t need to keep YOU safe?  Get some god damn therapy.

The 0-20 year old demographic make up less than 0.08% of all COVID deaths – both COVID and the Flu make up less than 1% of pediatric deaths, yet we treat COVID so much differently because of persistent fear mongering and wide-spread PTSD.

If I hear one more person compare the MMR and Polio vaccine to COVID, I will completely lose it.  Why?  Because the Polio and MMR vaccines addressed several infectious diseases that posed the HIGHEST risk to children – while COVID poses the lowest risk to children. Also, those vaccines were developed over decades – not one year.  It’s literally apples and oranges – and these comparisons are aimlessly parroted across platforms to somehow justify hastily vaccinating our kids for something 99%+ will not get severely ill from. 

It’s time to stand up for our kids.  The time has actually passed – but it’s not too late.  Our children, during these last two years have experienced learning loss, speech development issues, a mental health crisis (high attempted suicide rates), weight gains – and we are simply setting them back years.  We are acting like cowards.

It is time to remove all mandates imposed on children – and ask the fearful to remain isolated, as I am not standing by quietly anymore as my children suffer at the hands of scared adults who should know better.

Dear Lila,

I am so damn proud of you, kid.  I am in awe of your ability to be independent and mature – you just seem to have it figured out right now, but never forget, I am here to support you, as needed.  Always and forever.  It’s still, after almost 13-years, difficult to drop you off knowing you won’t sleep over again for 7-nights – and I miss your awesome face when you’re away.

Sometimes I just sit in your empty room – and I pray that you are as happy at your mothers’ home, as you are with me.  Every time I browse the latest movies and come across something interesting, I tell myself “wait for Lila, because she will love this movie, too.”  I was wrong about the movie, Lamb – as that was an absurd cinematic experience, but at least we experienced it together.

Lately, I have been feeling down – and I just hope it hasn’t been so noticeable for you.

The pandemic, especially how it has been handled in California, has certainly messed with my head – and I am sometimes not sure if I can hold it all together.  It pains me to see you wear a mask for 8-hours per day at school – then wearing a mask at basketball practice, and during games.  The public continues to treat children like some miniature contagions who are a risk to other people – but if they actually follow the science, they will understand that is not true.  You and your classmates are not the problem – it is the groups of scared adults pushing fear-based public health policy who are.  I also pray that those making these poor decisions will become less afraid and come to the realization that children have been disparately impacted by the extreme and fruitless measures local governments have taken to “stop the spread.”  Two-weeks has transformed into two years – and with each variant, the bureaucrats react with fear and anger toward their communities…unless you conform, absolutely. 

I believe that every family should have a choice – but no matter where we go in California, we are required to cover our faces, and often times, even just to eat out, show proof of a vaccination you or I do not need.  I would’ve never, in a million years, guessed society would fragment because of a virus and persistent virtue signalers shouting misinformation from every corner of social media.  It has happened, and it makes me wonder about the future. 

This will probably be insignificant to you, but I realized just how damaging covering our faces for two-years has been when your middle-school basketball team took off their masks for a team photo after your last game. It hit me hard when I realized I did not know what your team-mates looked like, or how amazing the smile of a group of kids is.  The fact that you all smiled so bright helped me understand I must continue to stay strong and approach every situation with a more positive perspective.  But, I am advocating for you kids constantly – writing the County Public Health Department and asking questions they can’t answer (i.e., where is the evidence that kids covering their faces during intense indoor sports is effective to reduce COVID transmission?  Or evidence that basketball ever increased the risk – especially for a group where 85% are vaccinated?).  Writing to the local County Supervisors, again, asking questions they can’t answer.  Talking to other parents who just say, “it’s what the County wants us to do.”

Not only is California leading the way in arbitrary, fear-based mandates – but the general population in California is more than willing to be compliant, 100%, because of the fear mongering.  They don’t look at the data, they just believe in talking heads like Dr. Fauci, who is no longer effective at his job.  They believe in super elite politicians like Newsom ($20 million net worth) and Pelosi ($300+ million net worth) who say one thing, then do another.  They aren’t leaders, they are parasites hungry for power and control.

To me, when we reflect as father and daughter – I need you to use this as a lesson to truly understand that having “authority” as an elected official or leader does not mean you are “always right.”  It is time to question the motives and tactics in Santa Clara County – especially as a fully vaccinated household in an area where vaccine rates are close to 85%.  What they are doing is not right – and I want my children, your sister included, to be strong and question leadership when it fails.  Question me, if you feel I am wrong.  Please, never blindly follow the herd, or engage in group think or identity politics.  You are better than that.

I love you with all of my heart, Lila – and I can’t wait to give you a hug next Wednesday.

Love always and forever,

Dad