I have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). It has honestly become a massive annoyance in my life – and it’s very hard to manage at times. My Father also has OCD – I always knew he was having a meltdown when the vacuum cleaner came out at 6:30am on a Saturday. I also watched him for my entire childhood struggle to relax or do anything that didn’t have a step-by-step/minute-by-minute agenda controlled by him. Vacations could be stressful – but I knew my Father meant well, and he grew up in a time where little information existed about OCD. So, adapt accordingly. The way he adapted was working 50-years at the Philadelphia Electric Company and leaving every morning at 4:30am – and finding any reason not to sit still. I actually give him tremendous credit for sustaining his routine for over 5-decades. Now, I wish he could just relax and enjoy retirement, but maybe for the old school working class, slowing down comes with questions about mortality – which is something else my Father obsesses about, and I share that obsession. Health.
A headache is a gigantic tumor on some brain-lobe. Get me a CT Scan/MRI now! A passing chest pain is a major cardiac event. Is that a lump on my testicles? Shit! I’m so dead.
My Doctor assures me I don’t need my bloodwork done every year – but fuck him, my blood cell count may be all out of whack! I didn’t have this particular obsession until Lila was born. I then became fixated on the notion that I may die before my kids remember who I am – that thought fills me with sadness. It makes me feel great stress. I tell myself: “you can’t control it. stop.”
Also, after Lila was born (and this is true for Lucy and Leif) – I became obsessed with the thought of something terrible happening to them. I literally envision and think about a variety of accidents and other events that could take my children away from me. I do my best to not project that onto them – and at least with Lila, I am very open with her about my OCD (but not some of the intrusive thought details). She noticed some routines of mine as she got older. She noticed when I take her to school – that I would go in and out of the apartment 3 to 4 times (after locking door each time) to check the oven. I was terrified the apartment would burn down. When we get out of the car – I have a fear the interior light/head-lights are still on, which will drain my battery. Similar to the oven, and going back and forth – I open and close the car door 3-4 times to check the interior lights and confirm the headlights are off. I walk around the car peering into the windows, and pulling on the car door handles. It’s like a clown show.
Potlucks? Oh helllllllll no! Why? Because Martha over in Human Resources either spit in that – or is trying to poison me. I can’t eat food that other people prepare, unless I am REALLY close to them. I have a thing with people trying to poison me – to the extent when we go on a trip for more than a few days – it runs through my mind that someone broke into our place, and tainted our food while we were gone. I keep the water filter empty, or else I would just dump it out when we get home to avoid being poisoned by an imaginary crazy person. I just shake my head.
I can go on and on about other ridiculous thoughts that come with OCD – and how exhausting it can be. Maybe, you relate. What I will say is as I have aged – I realize more and more how irrational my routines are – and some of the fears that cause me stress. Each time I go through these routines and experience the aforementioned feelings – I feel like a prisoner of the condition. I deep down know the stove is off – and I never turned my interior lights on. Yet, I persist. Some years, I do feel I make progress – but major life events can, at least for me, come with regression. If you can at all relate to my experience – one thing that helped me is a book titled:
Brain Lock, Twentieth Anniversary Edition: Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior,
by Jeffrey M. Schwartz (Author)
The book stood out – as there were many case studies. I couldn’t believe the severity of some people’s challenges with OCD. It not only helped me relate, but also motivated me to be more proactive in trying to manage my OCD symptoms/routines/feelings. I pray that my OCD doesn’t in anyway progress – and that one day I can stop showing up to events/parties 45-minutes early, after confirming my stove I never used and interior lights I never turned on are in fact off. I yearn for the day when I can truly just relax and go with the flow, as they say!
To My Kids - The Thoughts of Your Father 