They Don’t Care

If you’re a single parent struggling and just getting by – I want you to know, they don’t care. If your apartment is small, and your checking account is two-digits – they don’t care. If your car has three hubcaps and makes that screeching noise because you need a new fan belt – they don’t care. If your job isn’t ideal right now – they don’t care. If you don’t have all of the fancy gadgets and technology all over your home – THEY. DON’T. CARE.

Who is “they?” Your children – that’s who. And, why do I say these things? Because I need anyone who is in the situation I was 15-years ago to know that it’s going to get better, as long as you don’t give up on your children, and/or yourself. If you love them and give them a million hugs, at least, between the ages of birth and 13 – they will grow to think you’re a superhero. You will be one of the two most important people in their lives.

I remember back in 2009 when my oldest daughter’s mother and I split – it was the hardest time in my life. I was poor and trying to figure out how to ensure, when my daughter was with me, she had a home with her Dad. I wanted her to see me smile and to do fun things with me – no matter how hard the transitions were at that time. I/we moved a lot the first few years, even had roommates – but we stuck together. Her mother quickly found a new squeeze and he made a lot of money. I remember being told “you don’t have family out here, and it’s just best if Lila stays with us full time. You’re alone.” I was even served court papers claiming I was an unfit parent and didn’t deserve custody, unless supervised, of my child. I was served these papers by her now stepdad. Emotionally and psychologically, I was being beaten down – but I knew that my daughter wanted me in her life. Of course she didn’t tell me that directly at one-year old – but deep down leaving her to go back east, which would’ve been easier for me, wasn’t an option. I fought all of the unfounded claims in family court, without representation, and they had no evidence to verify these claims – outside of their opinions. Sure, I wasn’t perfect but if I thought I was a danger to my child, I would’ve given up custody. I never held that against my oldest daughters Mom or stepdad – I just kept focused on the one thing that mattered most – my daughter. I was constantly baited into saying and doing things I shouldn’t – but I just wouldn’t take it. Some of my peers said “how do you not get angry about that?” Well, I would feel angry and sad at times – but I knew any outbursts or negative actions could be used against me, so I, as hard as it was at times, took the high-road.

Our first apartment was tiny. I didn’t even have a bed – but Lila did. I just slept on the couch. She never once complained about the minimal space – we spent so much time outside at the local parks, and downtown. She never once made me feel inadequate, or criticized me. She could care less about how big our apartment was – as long as she was loved and well taken care of. Hearing her call me “Daddy” always filled me with such joy and pride. It let me know, despite my low wage job, that I had a very important role in this world.

I also had this little white Scion XD, and she thought it was the coolest car – despite no one else really thinking that. Funny enough, I still have that car (who needs a new car loan?) as more of a commuter vehicle, and my two youngest love being driven to school in it. They call it the “fast car” (it’s a 5-speed/manual) – three hubcaps and all. They remind me that no matter how much I may judge myself – they think I am a pretty awesome guy…and it’s because of the million hugs and how safe they feel around me. Five of us currently live in a two-bedroom apartment – it’s small, but my little Lucy always say “I love my home.” Because it’s not the structure itself – but the feeling inside. I know some miserable people in giant houses because no amount of money and space feels as good and warm as a tight knit family. It’s like a camp fire for the heart and soul. We have been here 8-years now and I am so proud we have had a consistent home for the children.

If you’re a single parent trying to make it work and you love your child endlessly – you’re already a great parent. I always tell people worried about their parenting that the two main ingredients to be a good parent are 1) love them with all of your heart AND; 2) put in 100% effort. If you love and try hard every-day, you will win, no matter how hard things seem right now. The worst thing you can do is give up – it will fill you with regret. And if you don’t give up, you will surpass all of the expectations you have for yourself and your child will love you so much for it. Don’t let anyone make you question yourself, or your ability to progress.

Those Intrusive Thoughts Again

I can’t stop worrying about my kids. I am constantly terrified that something bad will happen to one of them – and it eats away at my ability to function and maintain a consistent thought process. My oldest daughter is going in for ACL surgery tomorrow – and since I found out she needed surgery, the only things I think about are how much I love her, and that she’s going to die during the procedure. Over and over again – I picture her flatlining, and a medical team trying to save her – then the Doctor telling us she is gone. I can’t tell her how I feel because I don’t want to pass intrusive thought processes onto her – so I just hug her and pray that if God takes anyone, it’s me.

But, it’s not just my oldest. Each weekday, I drop my two younger children off at daycare – and there is a bus stop nearby. Also, my son’s, who is 2, play area is near a busy street. He LOVES the buses and trucks – the kid gets so excited. But, as soon as I drop them off and start to drive away, I can’t stop the most terrifying thoughts from entering my mind. I can’t stop them from repeating over and over again – sometimes it’s hard to breathe. I often times think that somehow my son will get out of the play-yard and end up in the street – then being smashed by a car. I picture the sounds – what it would look like and how devastating it would be for that to become reality. I think of both of my kids at daycare – and what if one of the many mentally ill/addicts wandering around the Bay Area decide to enter my kids school and murder them. OR, someone kidnaps them and I can’t be there to save and protect them. I think about how my son and daughters would feel being taken and harmed – thinking of how they would wish and pray for me to breakdown the door to save them. These thoughts sometimes get so disturbing that I drive by their school over and over until I seem them playing outside and happy. I need to know that they are ok. I remember when my oldest was in grade-school – I would call the after-school program daily to ask “did Lila get there and is she ok?” Of course she was – but I just had to know.

Lately, these thoughts have been hard to ignore. I guess they always are. I obsess about the safety of my children, and it makes it hard to function, at times. Prior to my kids being born – I was more obsessive about my own health, ending up in emergency rooms claiming to have a heart issue or demanding a CT scan due to chronic migraine headaches (which probably happen because of how my brain works). Convinced I had a tumor/brain cancer. Or, I used to be terrified of flying in airplanes to the extent that when I purchased a ticket to visit my family in Pennsylvania 3-months prior to the trip – for those 3-months I’d be convinced the plane would crash. I would imagine it over and over and over again to the extent it would make me vomit.

I am not sure what is going on lately that is spurring so many of these intrusive thoughts – but writing this entry is providing a release. Because, how do I explain these thoughts and feelings to people without being perceived to be insane?

I do know deep down that my children are safe and happy at school – and the risk of ACL surgery or dying during any surgery is very small. Yet, I can’t shake or alter how my brain operates – I just have to keep telling myself that worrying so much causes more harm than good. Time to read BrainLock again.

Letters to Lila #10 (You Now Are Your Own)

Dear Lila,

I just want to start by saying how much I love you. It has been nearly 16-years since you were born – and sometimes I brag that I was the first to hold you at the hospital – but really, your mother held you for 9-months prior. I am ok with being second in this case. I am so proud of the woman you are becoming – you have been so consistent, hard-working, caring and mature beyond your years for your entire life. I appreciate you so much. Thank you for being you.

I want to write you to acknowledge that you aren’t mine anymore – you are now your own person. I read somewhere that “up to the age of 12, your child is yours – but at 13, they become their own person.” I see this in you – and your desire to be with your friends more and experience the world on your terms. I see that you have your own thoughts and opinions that may not always align with mine, and I respect that. And more recently, you’ve been spending more time at your Mother’s because it’s harder now for you to wake up at 6am to get ready for school – when your Mom is just minutes away from campus. This has been hard for me to accept – but after many discussions with friends and family – I have to start letting go more than I would like, to allow you to become more independent and figure things out for yourself.

I know you still need me in your life to provide guidance on certain issues (learning to drive) and to still be a strong support system when needed (your upcoming surgery). But more and more, I can see your independence surging – and in just a few short years, you will most likely leave home for college. So, I suppose I am getting a head start on acquainting myself with being farther away from you more. The one thing I just can’t understand in this life is how fast time goes by. I see your 4-year old sister in her car-seat on the way to school and she looks just like you. You have helped me understand how to be a better parent to your siblings – as I would’ve never guessed how impactful raising you would’ve been on my life. It changed everything for me – and with you by my side, I have become healthier (no drinking or smoking!) and found purpose. I hug your brother and sister constantly because I know how fast they will turn 13, and start to become their own person, too.

I find so much pride in being your Father – it has been the most important thing I have ever done. I just hope when you look back on our time together that you really enjoyed your childhood, and have fond memories of the many things we have done together. Our trips to Philly – going to Santa Cruz and Great America – the parks, trails, riding bikes/skateboards, the events – so many good times. I have always kept a scrapbook for you with our best memories – because I know you’ll appreciate it later on. There’s about 50 handwritten letters in there, and a lot of photos, ticket stubs, etc.

Now, we still have the rest of your Sophomore year, then Junior/Senior year to navigate through – but I just want you to know, I get it. I see all of the progress – and you now earned your own voice, independence and opportunity to be 100% you without Mom/Dad dictating all of the steps. This is both exciting, yet terrifying – but you know me with the OCD, I let the intrusive thoughts take over too much. It’s not that I don’t trust you – it’s that I sometimes don’t trust the world around us. My job is to protect you, and sometimes I have been too protective.

I can’t wait to see you next Friday – we are going to have a lot of fun, and you can let me know what events/activities you want to participate in with your friends. I will make sure you get there – and I will continue teaching you how to drive. You have been doing so well!

I love you, kiddo. Always and forever – in this life and the many others.

-Dad

The Cost of Integrity

I want my children to be leaders and to not be afraid of standing up for what they believe is right. I also want them to know this can come at a great cost in the short-term – but in the long-term it will provide the opportunity to exist in this world without internal conflict. When all is said and done – I would rather die knowing I didn’t sell out for a big salary/benefits and stood on the side of truth. Lila, Lucy and Leif – there are many things I do and have done that I wouldn’t recommend – you know this – and I made those mistakes in hopes that you will not. But, one aspect of my personality/self I want you to adopt is a steadfast belief that integrity, truth, ethics and morals comes far before loyalty to friends, employers, etc., that operate without any of the aforementioned qualities.

Why do I mention this?

I worked for 10-years in the Housing and Community Development space in the Bay Area, California. I started in the industry as a young idealist who believed those in charge were operating with best intentions, and truly wanted to solve large problems, specific to the homeless crisis we face, along with helping groups like the elderly reduce their housing rent burdens. I was always of the thought process that we must be efficient in serving the public – along with being transparent and accountable for the money we spend, and the outcomes we established. I wanted to work on solutions – but I started to realize as I climbed the public sector ladder that there was no reasonable plan to achieve our goals we set forth.

The system and its leaders started funding counter-productive programs for those addicted to drugs. The County would (and still does) target homeless encampments and the most vulnerable to give out drug resources (pipes, needles, etc.), along with a monthly income. The result? Large escalations in overdose deaths and hundreds of people dying on the streets each year (just in San Jose – but thousands in the Bay Area) . On top of that – the system and its leaders said “apartments are the cure.”

What happened? More addicts die in their apartments then on the streets. Why? Because if you enable an addict, then give them a room – once the door closes and they overdose, no one is there to save them. I saw the system paying upwards of $36,000 per year per household to house addicts/mentally ill – but did not increase behavioral health/treatment resources. We were spending more money than ever – but making the problem worse.

I continued to advocate for groups that were housing ready – like the elderly, families with children enrolled in schools and high-functioning disabled. These are groups that will succeed in the current system – but we continue to prioritize housing resources for addicts and the mentally ill, essentially transforming housing communities into unequipped institutions. I have personally talked to hundreds of elderly receiving Social Security paying 80% of their income toward rent – withering away on waiting lists, as the 25 year old meth addict is housed, and gets stuck in the eviction cycle. The system we created and money allocated could have, 4x over, solved elderly and family homelessness in California. Those groups should’ve been prioritized first, as we developed REAL solutions for those suffering from addiction and mental illness – as apartments aren’t medicine. Many people on the streets need residential treatment first.

I started raising major concerns about fiscal integrity – and the morals and ethics of the City I worked for – and our partners. You see, I applied for the job with San Jose because I am a downtown resident – just blocks from City Hall. I actually wanted to make a difference – and I was proud to serve my City. But, many of my colleagues came from areas outside of the City and County – maybe that explains the lack of concern. Each day I saw San Jose devolving and I knew why. We lacked leadership.

In 2019, I resigned from my role at the City of San Jose – leaving behind a $130,000+/year salary. I felt gross taking taxpayer money knowing we weren’t meeting objectives, and I couldn’t ethically continue in that role. I wrote the entire City Council, and was extremely direct with the “leaders” in the industry, telling them “we have a major problem – we are fiscally irresponsible and if the residents knew how we operated, they would be disgusted.” Well, that got me blackballed, which I was prepared for. What I wasn’t prepared for is that the elected officials and City Manager did nothing about a senior level employees concerns about the failures of a department that spent hundreds of millions of dollars they couldn’t account for. I remember two audits occurring – one an internal audit done by City staff, and the second and more recent audit from the state of CA. Both audits vindicated my position – by stating “$300M was spent in 4-years, yet the City doesn’t know what the outcome of those expenditures are.” But, did anything change? No. Are the City and County leaders who made the issue worse still collecting massive salaries? Yes.

I decided to transition to a neighboring City to take on more of a grants management role – but still, the role was within a Housing Department. About 4-years into my role (after 4 great performance reviews), in about September 2023, I was informed that my role would also start to focus on “homeless interventions.” My boss at the time had no idea what that meant – but City Council made the decision, and that is the directive. I knew this was just working on the same failed programs from my days in San Jose. I was nauseous, but knew I couldn’t in good faith work on failing programs that do more harm than good anymore. Not even for a minute. I couldn’t pretend, despite the money, that I believed in the system and its programs – this would be a disservice to the community I agreed to serve. So, in December 2023 after much thought – I once again submitted my resignation from a Bay Area Housing Department. I often times miss that employer – leaving had more to do with the role, then the entity.

I did promise that if the state of CA and/or localities commit to reasonable and evidence based housing programs, and operating them accordingly – I may return. But, the existing players view me as a disruptor, despite everything I have said is basic truth, backed up by extensive audit reports.

Since December 2023, I have done about 1,000 job interviews – doing my best to try to find something new, where I can earn a living. The interview format these days is bizarre in many cases, and I would even say inhumane – because it’s mostly facilitated virtually. Also, I have had first interviews where you just record yourself answering questions – literally speak to no one, then submit. Personally, I perform at a higher level when face to face – but more and more out here, people don’t want to see faces.

I feel detached. I feel like I lost something inside – it’s just missing. But, there’s hope.

Lila, Lucy and Leif – I am in that painful “short-term” aspect of making a tough decision based on ethics, morals and integrity. Sometimes I wish I could just operate in these systems like many do without a second thought to performance, accountability and/or ethics. I just can’t – it’s not me – for better or for worse. I think about the money I could’ve earned and saved – and all of the gluttony that comes with it. But, being hungry again is where I need to be, and in the long-term we will revisit this topic and I will feel good about it all. I hope we all do.

I am so grateful for Ly, my partner – she is holding it down as the main-earner, as I dip into my own savings to get by and contribute. I also have taken on the primary role of packing lunches, preparing other meals, school drop-offs, nightly baths, grocery store runs and all of the historically Mom stuff. I’ll tell you what – it has been a great joy because my kids every-day make me feel like I matter. They show me that I have a place in this world, and taking care of them is my primary responsibility. Without them – I’d feel so empty and lost right now – without purpose.

Kids, if you keep moving forward and never give up, even when it seems impossible, you will persevere and become a better person on the other side. Please, please, please – continue to develop strong morals and values and NEVER let anyone take those away from you. Fight for what is right – and down the road you will be vindicated. Maybe have a little less in savings – but vindicated none-the-less.

Love always,

Dad

Letters to Lila #9 (Bees)

9/30/2024

Dear Lila,

Transitions. 

I know a lot has been going on lately – but I want to remind you of something.  Maybe it will help ease the pressure you’re experiencing with AP World History, and make you feel better about recently hurting your knee. 

I know you’re having a tough time lately. 

The silence is telling, and you’re my baby-girl – I can feel your energy.  In addition to your challenges at school – I haven’t been myself recently, and I know you see me struggle, at times, with being overwhelmed by my own thought process.  Now that you’re older – and unlike before, you see and notice everything.  You’re so smart, observant – and I am proud of how responsible you are.  An excellent student, hard-working athlete and the best damn big sister and daughter a parent can hope for.  You are my keystone – you have helped me grow and have been so patient/understanding with my flaws. You have helped me become healthier – compelling me to quit drinking alcohol and smoking over 10-years ago. 

Now, it’s time for me to grow even more as an individual – because we are entering a new phase in our father/daughter relationship, and I haven’t met expectations thus far.  I have always been very good working with or raising pre-adolescent kids, but once full-blown teenager-ism hits, I struggle to know what to do or say. I can’t cook you a favorite meal or take you to the park to make everything better – it’s just more complex even trying to understand how you’re feeling.  I need to step it up – and I will! 

Now, I want to loop back to the whole “remind you of something.”  I was in the pool with Lucy recently, and it brought me back 10-years to when we would swim every weekend.   Remember?  I would wake you up early – we would be the first at the pool, and at least for 2-hours, had the pool all to ourselves.  I would throw you in the air so high – over and over and over again.  You would put the fins and snorkel on and do flips in the water.  We would throw the ball – laugh hysterically and just enjoy the time together.  Hours would go by like minutes – and there’s no hours in my life that I loved more than those hours with you. 

I have to recreate those same experiences with your brother and sister – because I know once they become teenagers, which is so close to adulthood, things change.  We have our moments, but they become fewer and farther between.  My role is to continue to prepare you for independence and self-sufficiency.  To send you off to create your own hours and moments in life. 

But, it’s hard to begin letting go, especially since you’re with me just half of the time. 

I’ll tell you what though – we have done so many awesome things with our time together.  I’ve always kept a scrapbook for you with pictures, tickets, drawings and other sentimental items you’ll probably appreciate when you get older.  I took you to see every kids movie from when you were 4-years old to 13-years old – it was our thing.

So back to “reminding you.”  We saved so many bees during our summers at the pool – and Lucy and I are continuing that tradition.  The bees constantly find their way into the pool – but we’ve consistently been there to toss them back out, so they can dry off and continue their lives.  I don’t have exact figures, but we’ve saved at least 400,000 bees from certain doom.  I think you should be proud of yourself, and I am sure the plants in the surrounding area appreciate your bravery.  Sadly, the bees still find their way into the pool – over and over again, but Lucy, like you, has an inner passion for saving bees from drowning – so we carry on the tradition.  I guess it’s a family thing. 

I just want to appreciate you, kid.  You taught me so much – and prepared me to run back the whole Dad thing (twice) with Lucy and Leify.  I am ready to turn the corner, and hit a stride in the next phase of our relationship.  I am here, always and forever, as your #1 fan and supporter.  I love you so damn much, and no matter how awkward these teenage years become – let’s stick together like we always have.  We are stronger that way.

See you next week, kiddo. Good luck on that AP World History exam!

Love Always,

Dad

The Pain of One-Thousand Needles

After nearly 15-years of not communicating with my sister – we are speaking again. I mentioned this in previous posts – but I was estranged from my older sister, Michelle, for many years due to her substance abuse issues. I recall from a young age (11 – and she was 13) seeing my sister unravel – and helplessly watching the narcotics poison her mind, body and soul. I recall how distraught my Mother and Father were all of the time – hoping their daughter would get better, and trusting a system that largely exacerbated her issues. I recall the dangerous men she interacted with – even having children with several, and watching my nephews navigate the world with irresponsible parents. Thankfully, my nephew Mikey is such a mature and talented young man – but my other Nephew, Matthew, is following in his Mother/Fathers foot steps. I pray for him.

I remember forgiving my sister. Over and over. I remember she was clean for nearly a decade after her second son was born. She owned a mobile home and had a successful career as a hair stylist. But, it all came crashing down, again, after she met a man, Jason, online and fell back into the cycle of drugs and domestic violence. This was a complete collapse after nearly a decade of sobriety – and that is when I gave up on her. I was so angry that she relapsed and not only risked her own life, but the well-being of my Nephews. After forgiving her for taking so much of the family’s attention from my little sister and I at a young age – I couldn’t fathom forgiving her this time. I had zero hope left in my heart.

Silence.

Over the last 15-years or so, I thought about Michelle everyday. I try not to think about the heroin, pills and suffering. I try not to think of her being found on a sidewalk in Philly overdosing on Fenty after she thought what she purchased was meth (recent event). I try not to think about the men she interacted with – because I get so fucking sad and angry about the things that have been done to her. That she did to herself. My eyes bulge and shake trying to hold back tears.

I think about her as a young child, elementary school age, and her smile. We used to have so much fun together – and were so close in age. People always asked my Mother “are they twins”?

Michelle always had a good heart, or at least tried to – but she was consumed by so many demons pulling her to dark places no one should go. I remember she played field hockey, lacrosse and all of my friends thought she was so pretty. We loved Halloween, Christmas – and did so much together as a family. I wish I could rewind time knowing what I know now – and just give her the biggest hug. Tell her how much I love her – and protect her from what I didn’t see then, but know now. Could I save her?

Over the years, I just waited for the call informing me of Michelle’s death. My Mother would cry most times I talked to her – because every-time we talked, she would ask me “what did I do wrong”? That question is so painful to hear on a regular basis – and there is no good answer. I finally decided that I needed to forgive my sister again, and try to meet her where she is at. So, I asked my Mother for her phone number, and started to reach out. This made my Mother happy.

Finally, after a few months of trying – Michelle called me back, and we’ve been communicating ever since. She sounded terrible, honestly. Like she was drunk and her voice was very raspy. She informed me her Doctor prescribed her high doses of Clonazepam (Klonopin), which she has been taking for years, but wants to ween off. She told me about the meth overdose story I cited above – and how she needs treatment. I was able to talk her into going to a rehab facility – which she stayed at for two-weeks, before transitioning back to her apartment. I will give her credit, as the last time we spoke, she sounded much better – and at least tells me she is off the recreational drugs. No more buying meth and Fenty, at least for now. The biggest obstacle for her is she is addicted to legal drugs, and her mind is slipping because of it. People like Michelle are over-medicated – and the hope is they will just become silent or die. These drugs aren’t helping them – they are sedating people into silence and creating new addictions.

Currently, I am trying to get Michelle to move, with support, to a new County – and start fresh with a new Doctor, who can help her get healthier without more narcotics. I hope my sister will take the initiative – and take me up on this offer. I know she is reluctant to move because most other Doctors will not feed her addiction. I pray that she will develop the will power, and focus on getting healthy before it is too late.

Overall, I am happy to be communicating with Michelle again. There is zero resentment left in my heart and soul – and whatever time her and I have left, I want it to be positive. I love my sister, and I want her to know, when she is down, that her Brother has her back. I can tell she really appreciates it.

California – Where Progressive Policies Destroyed Once Thriving Communities

I moved to San Jose, California, in 2005. I was fresh out of college – filled with 100% idealism and very little life experience. I can honestly say, in hindsight, that “ignorance is bliss.” I’d much rather be young and dumb then older and informed. I remember voting for Al Gore and Barack Obama – I had the luxury and privilege to vote based on emotional messaging tactics (Hope, Yes We Can, We Aren’t Going Back), as opposed to what policies and leader will truly look out for my family and most vulnerable in the broader community. I have changed so much – and part of that growing process is the realization these broader messages of “hope” aren’t based in reality. They are a tool to get young, privileged and easily manipulated people to vote against their community’s best interest.

I am certain of this after living in California for nearly 20-years (especially the last 10-years) – and after doubling down on Democrats, as I voted for Hilary, then Biden. I truly believed they had my family’s best interest in mind. But, in all honesty – they lied to me and you – some people have realized this, and others are still fooled by emotional messaging intended to create hatred toward a candidate like Donald Trump.

What do I mean? Well, California has become the progressive policy lab for criminal justice reform (i.e., no bail, lowering consequences, releasing prisoners – even violent felons), housing and drug policy. It also taxes its residents more than any other state – and is in the top 5 for residential energy and housing cost. It has, by a huge margin, the largest homeless unsheltered crisis in the country, and these aren’t just poor people down on their luck. The 190,000 “homeless”, many mentally ill and addicted or illegal immigrants roam the street by the thousands in major cities, like San Jose. We have seen massive escalations in overdoses, along with open air drug use. I can’t take my kids for a walk without seeing someone having a mental health crisis, or doing something obscene like exposing themselves. I call downtown San Jose, an area I once loved, “an open air drug use site and insane asylum.” Parks that I used to take my kids to have RVS and illegal camps all over them – many of the people living in these areas are dangerous to themselves and others.

The worst part of it all?

Families like ours pay extreme prices to live here – and all of the taxes and contributions from citizens go to waste. Problems just grow. To send our two youngest to preschool + rent = $90,000/year. This doesn’t factor in food, energy, cable, gas, insurance, etc., all items that cost more here than anywhere else.

California has gutted its middle class – leaving only people with a whole lot of resources, or none at all, leading to massive deficits without any new real sources of revenue. At some point – the state of California will need a federal bail-out – but I predict it gets far worse here before that happens.

People ask me: “well, Leif, then why do you stay?” First, from 2005 to circa 2015, downtown San Jose was awesome! It felt like a suburb in a big city. I used to take my oldest daughter everywhere downtown – we had a movie theater, university, constant events, clean parks – and there simply wasn’t the thousands of mentally ill/addicts overtaking all of our public spaces. Now, and as I mentioned before, three out of the four parks my daughter and I used to frequent are now giant unsanctioned illegal camps that are a public health and safety risk. These camps have disease outbreaks like Shigella, overdoses and violent crimes.

I can’t believe how the leaders of California have failed their citizens. And, ultimately, we are here because our oldest daughter, Lila, is with us 50% of the time, as her Mom/Stepdad (cool people) are from this area. I tried to move – we even had an offer on a home accepted in Pennsylvania in a beautiful community – but during contingency I terminated the agreement because I couldn’t leave my Lila here. She became my whole life when she was born, and I need to be close to protect her. With that said, the other two are suffering because of my decisions – and they deserve a community with leaders who will provide good schools, affordable homes and clean parks. I’m a simple guy – I don’t need much, but everything is being taken from us in downtowns in California. From Sacramento to San Diego – our communities are being destroyed while we pay a premium.

Earlier, I mentioned my voting track record. Why? Because during my time in California – I have seen progressive policy after policy be implemented (initially with my support/vote) – many, including Prop 47, with Kamala Harris’s support and input. Prop 47 essentially decriminalized drugs, leading to surges in overdoses on our streets to where it’s normal to see someone be brought back to life with Narcan. And, it compelled addicts from far and wide to come take advantage of counter-productive drug policy – they camp everywhere and the things kids have to see going to school are considered insane/illegal in 49 other states. I refuse to normalize the human suffering I see day in and day out. It has impacted my psyche in such a negative way. Prop 47 also lowered consequences for criminals, leading to California becoming the #1 retail theft state in the nation. Hoards of people storming Walgreens, Targets, Jewelry Stores, etc., just taking whatever they want. Even if they are arrested, they get released immediately and recommit. Retail theft is a thriving business for criminals in California, and has compelled many small, medium and large businesses to close.

The progressive policies don’t work. Full stop. Housing First, Harm Reduction, no-bail, Prop 47, etc., they all are flaming trainwrecks that need to be stopped immediately. What California really needs is federal intervention to shelter and support the 190,000 people that state leaders say “just need an apartment.” It’s off the rails.

I may be stuck in a state for now with the highest real poverty rate, highest taxes, highest rates of homelessness, near highest energy/housing costs, bottom 15% public schools, ever soaring insurance rates, near highest gas prices – where it’s $90,000 a year just to live and have your kids in preschool.

I may – but you don’t have to be.

Please do not vote for Kamala Harris for President. Of course, you will decide for yourself – but I am just warning everyone at this point.

I personally will vote for Trump because I realize I was conditioned to hate him intentionally by the Democrat elites who are terrified to lose power – as they locked my kids out of school, forced them to mask and covid test at school – and treated them like such shit. I will never forgive this state – don’t vote to expand what is happening here to your communities.

Note: photo taken in 2024 one block from San Jose City Hall – many addict/mentally ill occupy business storefronts/entry ways. As part of the “Harm Reduction” program – the County spends millions per year targeting illegal/homeless camps giving addicts needles (they don’t exchange, so needles scattered around City), pipes and training them on how to use drugs. Harm Reduction is what I call “assisted suicide.” This program directly correlates with massive overdose increases and open air drug use/markets.

Deep, Dark, Silent and Soothing

I believe that I was an Orca in a past life. Part of a pod, roaming the seven seas (or some of them) – protecting, serving and nourishing family members. Staying close to each-other because the ocean is ruthless and that gives us our best chance to survive. I believe this because I have recurring dreams about this pod – where I am slowly sinking in what seems like the deepest, darkest blue body of water.

Complete silence.

Then, I see the pod emerge from the darkness – they begin swimming all around me with an excitement you feel only when reuniting with a best friend and/or family/loved one after being apart for a while. I hear them trying to tell me about everything I missed since I transitioned to a new life. It fills me with a great sense of calm and warmth. I continue to sink to the sea floor, watching and listening to the pod until I wake up.

I personally believe our souls travel from life to life (reincarnation) – and that a soul never dies. It is an energy that will continue to travel to new vessels and make attempts to reconnect with meaningful organisms and events from prior lives. I think our dreams are a combination of the past, present and future.

Maybe I am just afraid of what some people believe regarding death – just a state of nothingness. We just existed billions of years into the earths lifespan for this short moment, and that’s all. I can’t debunk that belief – but I can say my belief is much stronger that our purpose spans many lives, and is much more impactful than some imagine.