They Don’t Care

If you’re a single parent struggling and just getting by – I want you to know, they don’t care. If your apartment is small, and your checking account is two-digits – they don’t care. If your car has three hubcaps and makes that screeching noise because you need a new fan belt – they don’t care. If your job isn’t ideal right now – they don’t care. If you don’t have all of the fancy gadgets and technology all over your home – THEY. DON’T. CARE.

Who is “they?” Your children – that’s who. And, why do I say these things? Because I need anyone who is in the situation I was 15-years ago to know that it’s going to get better, as long as you don’t give up on your children, and/or yourself. If you love them and give them a million hugs, at least, between the ages of birth and 13 – they will grow to think you’re a superhero. You will be one of the two most important people in their lives.

I remember back in 2009 when my oldest daughter’s mother and I split – it was the hardest time in my life. I was poor and trying to figure out how to ensure, when my daughter was with me, she had a home with her Dad. I wanted her to see me smile and to do fun things with me – no matter how hard the transitions were at that time. I/we moved a lot the first few years, even had roommates – but we stuck together. Her mother quickly found a new squeeze and he made a lot of money. I remember being told “you don’t have family out here, and it’s just best if Lila stays with us full time. You’re alone.” I was even served court papers claiming I was an unfit parent and didn’t deserve custody, unless supervised, of my child. I was served these papers by her now stepdad. Emotionally and psychologically, I was being beaten down – but I knew that my daughter wanted me in her life. Of course she didn’t tell me that directly at one-year old – but deep down leaving her to go back east, which would’ve been easier for me, wasn’t an option. I fought all of the unfounded claims in family court, without representation, and they had no evidence to verify these claims – outside of their opinions. Sure, I wasn’t perfect but if I thought I was a danger to my child, I would’ve given up custody. I never held that against my oldest daughters Mom or stepdad – I just kept focused on the one thing that mattered most – my daughter. I was constantly baited into saying and doing things I shouldn’t – but I just wouldn’t take it. Some of my peers said “how do you not get angry about that?” Well, I would feel angry and sad at times – but I knew any outbursts or negative actions could be used against me, so I, as hard as it was at times, took the high-road.

Our first apartment was tiny. I didn’t even have a bed – but Lila did. I just slept on the couch. She never once complained about the minimal space – we spent so much time outside at the local parks, and downtown. She never once made me feel inadequate, or criticized me. She could care less about how big our apartment was – as long as she was loved and well taken care of. Hearing her call me “Daddy” always filled me with such joy and pride. It let me know, despite my low wage job, that I had a very important role in this world.

I also had this little white Scion XD, and she thought it was the coolest car – despite no one else really thinking that. Funny enough, I still have that car (who needs a new car loan?) as more of a commuter vehicle, and my two youngest love being driven to school in it. They call it the “fast car” (it’s a 5-speed/manual) – three hubcaps and all. They remind me that no matter how much I may judge myself – they think I am a pretty awesome guy…and it’s because of the million hugs and how safe they feel around me. Five of us currently live in a two-bedroom apartment – it’s small, but my little Lucy always say “I love my home.” Because it’s not the structure itself – but the feeling inside. I know some miserable people in giant houses because no amount of money and space feels as good and warm as a tight knit family. It’s like a camp fire for the heart and soul. We have been here 8-years now and I am so proud we have had a consistent home for the children.

If you’re a single parent trying to make it work and you love your child endlessly – you’re already a great parent. I always tell people worried about their parenting that the two main ingredients to be a good parent are 1) love them with all of your heart AND; 2) put in 100% effort. If you love and try hard every-day, you will win, no matter how hard things seem right now. The worst thing you can do is give up – it will fill you with regret. And if you don’t give up, you will surpass all of the expectations you have for yourself and your child will love you so much for it. Don’t let anyone make you question yourself, or your ability to progress.