Those Intrusive Thoughts Again

I can’t stop worrying about my kids. I am constantly terrified that something bad will happen to one of them – and it eats away at my ability to function and maintain a consistent thought process. My oldest daughter is going in for ACL surgery tomorrow – and since I found out she needed surgery, the only things I think about are how much I love her, and that she’s going to die during the procedure. Over and over again – I picture her flatlining, and a medical team trying to save her – then the Doctor telling us she is gone. I can’t tell her how I feel because I don’t want to pass intrusive thought processes onto her – so I just hug her and pray that if God takes anyone, it’s me.

But, it’s not just my oldest. Each weekday, I drop my two younger children off at daycare – and there is a bus stop nearby. Also, my son’s, who is 2, play area is near a busy street. He LOVES the buses and trucks – the kid gets so excited. But, as soon as I drop them off and start to drive away, I can’t stop the most terrifying thoughts from entering my mind. I can’t stop them from repeating over and over again – sometimes it’s hard to breathe. I often times think that somehow my son will get out of the play-yard and end up in the street – then being smashed by a car. I picture the sounds – what it would look like and how devastating it would be for that to become reality. I think of both of my kids at daycare – and what if one of the many mentally ill/addicts wandering around the Bay Area decide to enter my kids school and murder them. OR, someone kidnaps them and I can’t be there to save and protect them. I think about how my son and daughters would feel being taken and harmed – thinking of how they would wish and pray for me to breakdown the door to save them. These thoughts sometimes get so disturbing that I drive by their school over and over until I seem them playing outside and happy. I need to know that they are ok. I remember when my oldest was in grade-school – I would call the after-school program daily to ask “did Lila get there and is she ok?” Of course she was – but I just had to know.

Lately, these thoughts have been hard to ignore. I guess they always are. I obsess about the safety of my children, and it makes it hard to function, at times. Prior to my kids being born – I was more obsessive about my own health, ending up in emergency rooms claiming to have a heart issue or demanding a CT scan due to chronic migraine headaches (which probably happen because of how my brain works). Convinced I had a tumor/brain cancer. Or, I used to be terrified of flying in airplanes to the extent that when I purchased a ticket to visit my family in Pennsylvania 3-months prior to the trip – for those 3-months I’d be convinced the plane would crash. I would imagine it over and over and over again to the extent it would make me vomit.

I am not sure what is going on lately that is spurring so many of these intrusive thoughts – but writing this entry is providing a release. Because, how do I explain these thoughts and feelings to people without being perceived to be insane?

I do know deep down that my children are safe and happy at school – and the risk of ACL surgery or dying during any surgery is very small. Yet, I can’t shake or alter how my brain operates – I just have to keep telling myself that worrying so much causes more harm than good. Time to read BrainLock again.