Dear Lila,
I just want to start by saying how much I love you. It has been nearly 16-years since you were born – and sometimes I brag that I was the first to hold you at the hospital – but really, your mother held you for 9-months prior. I am ok with being second in this case. I am so proud of the woman you are becoming – you have been so consistent, hard-working, caring and mature beyond your years for your entire life. I appreciate you so much. Thank you for being you.
I want to write you to acknowledge that you aren’t mine anymore – you are now your own person. I read somewhere that “up to the age of 12, your child is yours – but at 13, they become their own person.” I see this in you – and your desire to be with your friends more and experience the world on your terms. I see that you have your own thoughts and opinions that may not always align with mine, and I respect that. And more recently, you’ve been spending more time at your Mother’s because it’s harder now for you to wake up at 6am to get ready for school – when your Mom is just minutes away from campus. This has been hard for me to accept – but after many discussions with friends and family – I have to start letting go more than I would like, to allow you to become more independent and figure things out for yourself.
I know you still need me in your life to provide guidance on certain issues (learning to drive) and to still be a strong support system when needed (your upcoming surgery). But more and more, I can see your independence surging – and in just a few short years, you will most likely leave home for college. So, I suppose I am getting a head start on acquainting myself with being farther away from you more. The one thing I just can’t understand in this life is how fast time goes by. I see your 4-year old sister in her car-seat on the way to school and she looks just like you. You have helped me understand how to be a better parent to your siblings – as I would’ve never guessed how impactful raising you would’ve been on my life. It changed everything for me – and with you by my side, I have become healthier (no drinking or smoking!) and found purpose. I hug your brother and sister constantly because I know how fast they will turn 13, and start to become their own person, too.
I find so much pride in being your Father – it has been the most important thing I have ever done. I just hope when you look back on our time together that you really enjoyed your childhood, and have fond memories of the many things we have done together. Our trips to Philly – going to Santa Cruz and Great America – the parks, trails, riding bikes/skateboards, the events – so many good times. I have always kept a scrapbook for you with our best memories – because I know you’ll appreciate it later on. There’s about 50 handwritten letters in there, and a lot of photos, ticket stubs, etc.
Now, we still have the rest of your Sophomore year, then Junior/Senior year to navigate through – but I just want you to know, I get it. I see all of the progress – and you now earned your own voice, independence and opportunity to be 100% you without Mom/Dad dictating all of the steps. This is both exciting, yet terrifying – but you know me with the OCD, I let the intrusive thoughts take over too much. It’s not that I don’t trust you – it’s that I sometimes don’t trust the world around us. My job is to protect you, and sometimes I have been too protective.
I can’t wait to see you next Friday – we are going to have a lot of fun, and you can let me know what events/activities you want to participate in with your friends. I will make sure you get there – and I will continue teaching you how to drive. You have been doing so well!
I love you, kiddo. Always and forever – in this life and the many others.
-Dad
To My Kids - The Thoughts of Your Father 