After nearly 15-years of not communicating with my sister – we are speaking again. I mentioned this in previous posts – but I was estranged from my older sister, Michelle, for many years due to her substance abuse issues. I recall from a young age (11 – and she was 13) seeing my sister unravel – and helplessly watching the narcotics poison her mind, body and soul. I recall how distraught my Mother and Father were all of the time – hoping their daughter would get better, and trusting a system that largely exacerbated her issues. I recall the dangerous men she interacted with – even having children with several, and watching my nephews navigate the world with irresponsible parents. Thankfully, my nephew Mikey is such a mature and talented young man – but my other Nephew, Matthew, is following in his Mother/Fathers foot steps. I pray for him.
I remember forgiving my sister. Over and over. I remember she was clean for nearly a decade after her second son was born. She owned a mobile home and had a successful career as a hair stylist. But, it all came crashing down, again, after she met a man, Jason, online and fell back into the cycle of drugs and domestic violence. This was a complete collapse after nearly a decade of sobriety – and that is when I gave up on her. I was so angry that she relapsed and not only risked her own life, but the well-being of my Nephews. After forgiving her for taking so much of the family’s attention from my little sister and I at a young age – I couldn’t fathom forgiving her this time. I had zero hope left in my heart.
Silence.
Over the last 15-years or so, I thought about Michelle everyday. I try not to think about the heroin, pills and suffering. I try not to think of her being found on a sidewalk in Philly overdosing on Fenty after she thought what she purchased was meth (recent event). I try not to think about the men she interacted with – because I get so fucking sad and angry about the things that have been done to her. That she did to herself. My eyes bulge and shake trying to hold back tears.
I think about her as a young child, elementary school age, and her smile. We used to have so much fun together – and were so close in age. People always asked my Mother “are they twins”?
Michelle always had a good heart, or at least tried to – but she was consumed by so many demons pulling her to dark places no one should go. I remember she played field hockey, lacrosse and all of my friends thought she was so pretty. We loved Halloween, Christmas – and did so much together as a family. I wish I could rewind time knowing what I know now – and just give her the biggest hug. Tell her how much I love her – and protect her from what I didn’t see then, but know now. Could I save her?
Over the years, I just waited for the call informing me of Michelle’s death. My Mother would cry most times I talked to her – because every-time we talked, she would ask me “what did I do wrong”? That question is so painful to hear on a regular basis – and there is no good answer. I finally decided that I needed to forgive my sister again, and try to meet her where she is at. So, I asked my Mother for her phone number, and started to reach out. This made my Mother happy.
Finally, after a few months of trying – Michelle called me back, and we’ve been communicating ever since. She sounded terrible, honestly. Like she was drunk and her voice was very raspy. She informed me her Doctor prescribed her high doses of Clonazepam (Klonopin), which she has been taking for years, but wants to ween off. She told me about the meth overdose story I cited above – and how she needs treatment. I was able to talk her into going to a rehab facility – which she stayed at for two-weeks, before transitioning back to her apartment. I will give her credit, as the last time we spoke, she sounded much better – and at least tells me she is off the recreational drugs. No more buying meth and Fenty, at least for now. The biggest obstacle for her is she is addicted to legal drugs, and her mind is slipping because of it. People like Michelle are over-medicated – and the hope is they will just become silent or die. These drugs aren’t helping them – they are sedating people into silence and creating new addictions.
Currently, I am trying to get Michelle to move, with support, to a new County – and start fresh with a new Doctor, who can help her get healthier without more narcotics. I hope my sister will take the initiative – and take me up on this offer. I know she is reluctant to move because most other Doctors will not feed her addiction. I pray that she will develop the will power, and focus on getting healthy before it is too late.
Overall, I am happy to be communicating with Michelle again. There is zero resentment left in my heart and soul – and whatever time her and I have left, I want it to be positive. I love my sister, and I want her to know, when she is down, that her Brother has her back. I can tell she really appreciates it.
To My Kids - The Thoughts of Your Father 