July 31, 2019
Dear Lila,
I watched a documentary last night – and while I watched, intense emotions surged through my body. At one point, I gasped as I tried to hold back tears – but then I reminded myself that it’s ok to feel and express emotions…in fact, it’s a great thing. I remember a time when I was numb to everything – everything, that is, except you. So, in a sense, more so than ever, crying is a reminder that I’m human and capable of expressing the feelings that were once locked away and buried beneath substances.
The documentary was on ESPN (you know I love sports!) – and it focused on Chris Herren, a once famous basketball star, who played for the Boston Celtic’s (Go 76er’s!) – but his career and personal life spiraled out of control due to a heroin addiction. In many ways, it made me think of your Aunt, Michelle, who has been lost for years due to her addiction to heroin, pills and whatever else she can get her hands on. Now, 39, she has been stuck in a cycle of addiction, poor decisions and destructive relationships since she was 13-years old.
I have so much anger inside – as Michelle’s addiction is something that has impacted your grandma and grandpa tremendously, as they’ve tried everything to support Michelle in overcoming her challenges. Me? I’ve come to terms with the fact that if Michelle doesn’t get better very soon – it’s inevitable that we will get the call, sometime within the next five years, that she is dead. Our family has struggled with addiction through the generations – both of your great Grandpa’s were alcoholics, and my Aunt and Uncle on my Father’s side died of heroin overdoses in their 30’s. Your Grandma is an alcoholic, which rips at my heart each and every-day – as she doesn’t see that the pain that my sister causes her, is the same burden she is placing on me.
Lila, I am an alcoholic – and over five-years ago, when you were just five-years old, I wasn’t in a good place, and knew that, if anything and for you, I needed to break this cycle. Progressively, my active alcoholism got worse over the years – from binge-drinking and blacking-out in college to drinking a 12-pack and a bottle of wine daily. Hiding bottles of Wild Turkey in the cupboards, just behind the olive oil, and chugging when no one was looking. When I wasn’t drinking – the anxiety was immense, and by 10am, sitting at work, all that I could think about was how booze coursing through my veins was the only prescription.
I thought booze was helping, but it in fact, it was making me sicker each day. I gained 40-pounds, my blood pressure elevated and my face started breaking out in cysts and acne. I couldn’t feel emotions anymore – I was like a robot – and that is what scared me the most. Through it all, you were the only thing I lived for. You kept me waking up, and provided a sanctuary from my inner demons – you were, and continue to be my angel and saving grace.
Since you are only with me half-time, I felt lost and sad the other half of the time – I didn’t know what to do with myself. And with all our family back in Philadelphia, I felt alone. I felt scared, and lost. I can still remember how your little hand looked when you held my finger – your eyes looking up at me, and your precious smile. I can still feel how you would squeeze my finger – and for some reason, I viewed that as you telling me “it’s all going to be ok, Daddy.” Once the denial about my alcoholism wore off – I felt like I was failing you, and I knew I could do so much better. I had to do better. So, on April 21, 2014 – I quit drinking cold turkey.
In hindsight, I should have contacted my doctor to let them know about my issues with alcohol, and my desire to quit, as when I put the bottle down, my body initially responded adversely. My blood pressure soared, and the withdrawal symptoms were terrible. I didn’t know how to fill my time when you were gone, because I was so used to drinking every-day. So, one night I walked over to an AA meeting because I knew I couldn’t do this alone – and thankfully you were too young to understand that your father is an addict. The guys at AA saved my life – and each week, reminded me that my decision to quit drinking not only saved my life, but enhanced our family dynamic. I am forever grateful to that AA group at Trinity Church in downtown San Jose. I realized that alcoholism didn’t discriminate, as I sat next to gang-bangers fresh out of prison – and men in suits/ties coming from the boardroom. It didn’t matter – we were all there for the same reason. Sobriety. Health. Family. Freedom.
It felt good not to feel alone in this journey – and as the months passed — my fat ass got less fat, I got a better job and the adult acne started to fade. Most importantly, my mind was clear – and we had a new beginning, and together, since then, we haven’t looked back. We started creating so many great memories – going to the beach, museums, events, festivals – we took every opportunity to have fun with each-other. We got a new apartment (though we shared a room at that time because it’s SO expensive out here – but we loved it!), a new car – and I started volunteering at your school, and still do to this day. I felt pride – and I knew you were proud of me – and that meant the world.
Chris reminded me that there is always hope – as his journey was filled with ups and downs. He reminded me that recovery is a life-long process – and most importantly he reminded me of what’s most important. You. And, with that, he reminded me that your health and wellness is enhanced if I am a part of your life in a positive way. If I am sober.
It’s important for you to know that we, as a family, have addictive tendencies – and I need you to know that too many people in our family have fallen victim to substance abuse. It’s a real deceptive and destructive mother-fucker of a problem to have – and if we can break that cycle now – we will no longer be prisoners to a bottle or needle. I pray that we can have ongoing and open discussions about this issue – and something that is so important to me – is that you feel comfortable telling me anything and everything because I will never judge you. I have your back always and forever.
I pray that my sister finds herself – and I pray that my Mother puts down the bottle. The Lord knows I’ve tried to get through to her – but you can’t make decisions for people…they must formulate their own conclusions and pathways in this life.
I pray for you always as you approach middle-school. I got your back, kid. Always and forever.
Love,
Dad
To My Kids - The Thoughts of Your Father 